It starts as a joke. Laughter fills the room. But one person isn’t laughing. They shift in their seat, cast their eyes down, or offer a quiet, uncomfortable smile. Maybe they go silent. Maybe they brush it off. Maybe they internalize it.
These moments don’t always register right away. Later, you might replay the interaction in your head, wondering if you said too much or went too far. The truth is, bullying doesn’t always come in the form of obvious cruelty. Sometimes, it hides behind sarcasm, silence, or social power. And it’s not just something that happens in schools or among strangers—it can happen in friendships, families, and group chats too.
“It takes real strength to look within and ask yourself if you’re treating others the way you’d want to be treated. But, if you’re constantly hurting someone around you, then it is necessary,” says Linsey Lunny, CEO of Hidden Strength. “True kindness isn’t just about not being mean—it’s about making sure your words and actions build people up, not tear them down.”
Bullying is often framed as a one-way street—something done to someone else, usually by a person who is easily identifiable as “mean” or aggressive. But the reality is more complicated. Harmful behavior can come from people who don’t even realize the impact of their words or actions. That’s why self-awareness is such a powerful tool.
Recognizing your own behavior doesn’t mean labeling yourself as a villain. It means acknowledging that we all have the capacity to harm others—and the responsibility to do better when we know better.
To help guide that process, Lunny offers three key questions to ask yourself:
- Do you make jokes at someone else’s expense?
“If your humor consistently puts others down, even if you think it’s harmless, it could be a sign that you’re crossing a line.”
Jokes can be a way to bond, but they can also serve as subtle weapons. When laughter comes at the cost of someone else’s dignity, it stops being funny and starts being harmful. If a friend always ends up the butt of the joke—or stops engaging altogether—it may be time to rethink the punchlines.
- Do you dismiss or ignore people’s feelings?
“Now, if you often downplay someone else’s emotions by saying they’re ‘too sensitive’ or ‘overreacting,’ you might be invalidating their experience instead of listening with empathy.”
Everyone processes things differently. What might seem like a minor comment to one person could feel deeply hurtful to another. Dismissing someone’s emotional response isn’t a sign of strength—it’s a barrier to connection and compassion.
- Do you use power to control or intimidate others?
“Whether it’s social influence, status, or even just knowing someone’s insecurities, using that against them—especially in group settings—can be a form of bullying.”
Bullying isn’t always physical. Sometimes, it’s about using emotional leverage—subtle intimidation, exclusion, or manipulation—to assert control. These behaviors often go unnoticed by outsiders, but their effects can be devastating for the person on the receiving end.
Creating a culture of kindness starts with self-reflection. It means asking hard questions and being willing to change. It means valuing empathy over ego. And it means recognizing that sometimes, being a good friend—or a decent human—requires more than just not being cruel. It requires actively choosing kindness, even when it’s inconvenient, even when it means apologizing.
No one is perfect. We all mess up. But what defines us isn’t the mistake—it’s what we do after we recognize it. If you think you may have been the problem, now is the time to grow. Not just for the people around you, but for yourself too.
Because building a better world starts with each of us—one honest question at a time.
